In Limbo

Phew!

I can't believe how heavy I'm feeling

I wasn't going to write anything now, because all I'm thinking of is how my best friend in the whole world is gone. I still think of Julia as 'my best friend' from school. I've had and have other friends, who might feel just as close, and who I have an strong affection for, and who are equally irreplaceable... but... there's only one person who's been there from childhood to adulthood, from friendship to working partners, more or less from birth until death. Her death.



The thing is, I sat there with her- the greatest priviledge in the world- as she breathed her last breath, and as I sat there I may have appeared upset. Of course I cried - she was my friend... the person I shared thoughts, emotions, laughter with. But, inside a scream started. Externally it was silent, but inside it was so loud, so overwhelming.



This last week I've managed to go to work, to get through the day, and appeared to be coping admirably. In fact, I have been coping so well... I've done what I need to do. I've continued to work and look after the children and more or less go through the motions of the day. I got a bit behind on washing. So what. I didn't wash up right after the meal. Again, so what. The floor could do with a hoover... I know. But it's nothing.



Yes, I got through the week. I didn't sleep much. I kept waking up after an hour or so, with thoughts of Julia on my mind. With memories, or wishes of her being back. Always there. If she had been my life partner, I don't believe I could miss her as much. In fact, she was my life partner... but not in the way of being a lover. In the way of simply having been there for always, throughout different eras. In fact, in some ways, and I don't mean any disrespect to her husband or first partner, the friendship we had spanned different areas than she shared with them. For they shared intimacies as life partners do.




But between us, it was like we shared a bond that we used to joke we had been soul-mates from a previous life. No explanations were needed. We knew what direction our thoughts were taking. No signposts needed. We laughed and laughed and the stupidest things. No reason was needed. And now, she has moved on, and though I know she chose this way rather than have to have more treatment and prolong the suffering, and that she didn't have that much choice anyhow, I feel she's left me... with no explanation.



She was so darned brave, she puts my present cowardice to shame. I feel scared of dealing with the future without the person I've always shared with. She looked at what she had to deal with, and dealt with it. She wasn't happy about it. Of course she wasn't. She wanted to live longer. She wanted to be with her children and her husband and family. But she realised how things were, and she bravely closed her eyes and took her path looking like the angels she loved.


And she left us behind.

They say that the good go first. In Julia's case that had to be true. Ok, she sometimes gossiped, and sometimes she wished karma to return on those that did wrong by her - don't we all! But, as a person she didn't have a malicious bone in her small body. She tried to forgive everyone who did wrongs to her, even though those things hurt. She was bigger than those people. I'm not saying she didn't get upset, and let the hurt in, only that - once in- she dealt with it and chose to forgive. Even those so-called friends who inexplicably crossed the road to avoid her.... she forgave them, because we came to the conclusion it was fear of getting close to someone who might not be around for long that drove their actions.



She was bigger than me. I stayed angry with those people. When Julia knew her life had limits, and those limits were shorter than we all hope for, she had a lot to deal with. There were those who appeared at first to be potential friends, and who could have made her life so much more pleasant the last few years. They choose to treat her differently, and almost ostracise her. And the only reason we could see was because they found out how limited her time was and didn't know how to deal with it. I'm still angry at those people for the way they hurt her. Yet she forgave them, so I should too.




There was one that stood by her, in her new town home, that I didn't get on with. She kept this friendship for years, and spoke of this friend often. I didn't get on with this other person. We clashed personality wise. But I knew that this person stuck by Julia when she needed someone close by, and so I have a respect as well. There's no jealousy nor competition from my side, because I'm certain of my relationship with such an old friend. But insecurity has this other person speaking out loud about her friendship and how close they are. Up until Julia's death, I tolerated this with just a little friction where she rubbed me up the wrong way.

Now? Well, she created a beautiful slide show for the funeral. She genuinely cared for and misses Julia. She is a mutual friend. I find now that I feel an affection for her, despite our personality clash, because of her loyalty to someone I hold so dear. Funny how thing change overnight.



Julia's family, her parents and sisters... Gosh, it's such a hard thing to see them having to deal with it. I've lost my father and brother, and can empathise how it is to lose someone in the family. But to lose someone so vivacious, strong and brave? To lose your child, or your big sister? Jeez, even being privileged to have been part of that family since such a young age, I can still objectively feel the loss of the family as well as my own loss of a friend. How would it be to lose my own daughter or son, or my sisters. I just don't know how a person could stand to lose their child, and I hope I go before my children.



My mum lost her second son, her husband then her first son. I wonder sometimes how she managed to carry on living. But she did.



Dying is part of living, though it seems so far away these days. In the old days (I feel I aged 20 years just saying that!) dying was a more accepted part of life. While probably no more palatable, it was talked about and treated as normal. Now we have medicine and science, staving off the moment for as long as possible. We don't talk about death so openly, and we fear it more.




Death is but a continuation of the journey... or we hope it is. Personally, I believe it because of some inexplicable things that have happened to me. Things that don't have explanations in the everyday world. Maybe that immediately classes me as 'cookie', but then my sister, who awoke at exactly 2.50am, the exact time of Julia's death, may also be cookie. And so might my other sister, who shares her house with... what? a spirit? a poltergeist? I don't know what it was, but I was there when it was, and it put lights on and off, and had a presence that made my skin come out in goosebumps. I don't know. Did we have a good imagination, or is there something else?




Cups that started rocking back and forth in my house for five minutes... unreproducible (believe me, we tried!)... what was that? A door opened in an empty hallway.... lights coming on when they've been turned off... footsteps running (not the creaking of steps back into shape)... what is this? Is it imagination, or some psychokinesis, or could it be echoes of the past, or maybe ghosts? I really don't know. I haven't listed all the happenings, but all in all I am left with the feeling there's more to life than we know... and no other conclusions.




There's a part of me that is based in the non spiritual... the scientific...that when the body ends, so does all activity to do with that body, including what we call 'the soul'. When the body ends, there is a peace because the physical is returned to the wider universe and the spirit simply no longer exists. Then there's another part of me that believes that the spirit survives. That part believes that the spirit may well have chosen the path it followed in this life, or it may be that the path was there, and when it reached the end of it's journey it took off for another realm, or maybe it would simply exist on another plain of this place. So many possibilities. So little knowledge.




One thing that seems to become stronger in my awareness is how every now and then it's like a master plan is being carried out and falls into place. Like pieces of a jigsaw fitting together, suddenly several areas of your life just seem to slot into a perfect shape. It might not be how you would wish, or you envisage, but there's these moments that you just suddenly 'are'. All around you the pieces seem to slide into place and there's a 'rightness' (even in wrongness) where you can feel totally 'there'.

Does this make sense?





It's happened a few times to me. One time was last year. I'd been chatting to someone on an internet dating site, and was in awe of their pictures. I bought a camera for my son, and two identical ones were sent, because of some internet crash problem with the ordering. Two were paid for. But I was only aware that I had one. A housefire, where I believed that the one I was aware of was ruined, then I found a second, unopened package. I was going to return it, but decided I quite liked to have the camera for myself. Starting a blog. My pictures shoving over my poetry to grab the spotlight... suddenly I saw the path that led to that point. If it weren't for this, or that, I wouldn't have had this blog here today. I wouldn't place such an importance, or joy, in photography.... all things for a purpose...



So, what is the purpose of an early death? I ask myself now. I'm looking for the answer to my internal scream, "Why?"

I'm lucky to have had such a good friend, who will continue to shape my life, I tell myself. I have all these wonderful memories of growing up, of sharing adulthood, of mind-melding. I'm just glad that Julia considered me a friend (it could have been so different).... Are these the answer to 'Why?'




Julia and I (as I mentioned) often speculated that our closeness could only have been borne from a previous existence. We knew each other too well from such a young age for that knowledge to be merely from this lifetime. Throughout our lifetime, there has been so many times when we intuitively knew when the other was in trouble. We followed the same path at University, for goodness sakes... making the same moves, the same discoveries at the same time. Meeting new significant people at the same time... like they say about the parallel lives of twins.




Oh, it sounds weird when written like this. But it was there. That's how it was. Even when she was abroad, I'd know when she was going to make contact, and vice versa. Funnily enough, though, we were useless - worse than useless- at the telepathy card test. My sister actually had a higher telepathy score than us. We seemed to have a negative score...almost opposite to what we were aiming at... I don't know why. It was not chance, but like a negative correlation. My sister scored positive with Julia, but I didn't.... that's always been a mystery to me, when every other aspect of our lives proclaimed a link.




Anyway, I'm tired now. As a steam-of-consciousness this is something of what I'm thinking... and yet it's nothing of what I'm thinking too... What's going through my head is of bigger things... things I'm not ready to talk about.

Thank you, my friends, for visiting and saying hello. Even though I might not always respond, I'm aware of your visits and value them. I treasure the little gems of friendship you leave me. I lap up the hope you leave in your trail. Thanks is inadequate for the lifeline you leave, when you stop to say hello. One day I hope I may return that fellowship. I hope I am there for you as you are for me!