Words that flow...

Words and images - powerful elements of our everyday life. Most of the time we take them for granted, but sometimes something happens to make you aware of how important they are... and how thankful you are to have the opportunity to use or appreciate them. Here lies some of my words and pictures (which are untouched apart from cropping, unless I've said otherwise) - Please add your words to mine, and leave a comment. Thanks for visiting!

30 April 2009

Its better to have loved and lost....?

I used to think that phrase was right...how wonderful to find love in these lives of ours that can prove so difficult and hard sometimes. How amazing to find someone to love and have that chance to be really, truly happy. How even more amazing to find someone to love who loves you back!! Of course it is better to experience that than never to have known this feeling!

Why wouldn't it be?

When I least expected it, I found love. And more amazingly, I was loved back. It really was the most incredible experience of my whole life. I felt the luckiest person alive. And so did he. We couldn't stop smiling. We couldn't stop thinking of each other. All we wanted to do was be together. We talked of a lifetime. We talked of pensions and the future. I never felt so happy. Not only did I love him, but I was in love with him too.

And being loved by the person you love? Wow! The best feeling in the world! There is nothing like looking over at someone and seeing the love in their eyes as they look back at you. There is nothing like that little touch in passing which sends electricity right through both of you. There is nothing like hugging that person you love tightly, and feeling them hold you close, hearing his deep breaths as he's equally shaken.

And the kisses...the kisses that turn you into a puddle, melting at his feet. Oh how earth moving were the kisses! And then you pull away and look right into his eyes, and you swear you can see right into his soul...and what you see there wraps you up in a warm blanket, makes you dance as you work, makes you want to sing loudly in the car.

All the other bad things in your life become more remote. They don't touch you so harshly. With someone you love to share your day with everything seems to glitter and shine, to become brighter, dimming anything negative and lighting up all the good things so you want to burst with happiness. God, how amazing that feeling and oh so fantastic! It is the greatest pleasure that can ever be given to a person.

So, now its over, why do I wish I'd never had it?

© Annelisa Christensen 1:34 pm

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At April 30, 2009 5:48 pm, Blogger Akelamalu said...

You really wish you'd never experienced something so wonderful? You must be hurting really bad honey.xxx

At May 01, 2009 5:12 am, Blogger Savage said...

Hang in there, old friend. Gain without risk is gain without value, and even though there's pain when you lose, you'll find you're more likely to regret the things you didn't experience rather than the things you did.

At May 01, 2009 8:03 am, Blogger Annelisa said...

Hey there Akemalu and Savage...

Any time you'd asked me in my past whether or not I regretted something I would have said 'Never! Not anything!'

But I never felt this way before. I never fell so hard, and believed so fully.

I've become so cynical in the later years of my life I haven't let anyone anywhere close, wouldn't have trusted them if I did.

But...this man got under my skin. We just clicked the moment we met. It was just so godamn perfect (should've known that meant it was too good to be true! :-( )...even up to the moment he left.

[He was just going away for a few days and never came back. He gave reasons, but none of them came close to explaining why it was over. He said he still loved me, but wanted something different. Fine. His perogative. But how he could reject what we had, when I know it was as special for him as for me I will never understand...]

Every day has become a trial, worse than any that has come before. Unlike all the loved ones that have died, he chose to go.

I would never have used such words as 'despair' and 'desolation' to describe my life before, because, like you say Savage, experiences good and bad are part of life and make you feel alive. I have never felt so alive as now, every emotion raw, and how I wish I could go back to ignorance...

At May 01, 2009 10:20 pm, Blogger goatman said...

Ignorance is in fact bliss but never having experienced is, to me, unforgivable. It has been awhile. I still have sprig duck but not the other two. Four others instead!
Happy Springtime

At May 02, 2009 2:32 am, Blogger Savage said...

I trust you realize now that if it were perfect, it wouldn't have ended the way you describe. I also trust you know that anyone who'd just "leave" without at least some consideration of your feelings isn't worth the tissue you're crying into.

From your description of his exit, in all honesty he sounds pretty selfish to me. And you're better than that.

Yes, time heals all wounds. But after my breakups, I've also taken solace in the idea that time wounds all heels, too.

Or was he just afraid?

At May 03, 2009 6:02 am, Blogger Mimi Lenox said...

Oh honey.

I will write you privately.

At May 03, 2009 9:52 am, Blogger Annelisa said...

Hi Goatman, long time no see! Glad you have some new companions to keep sprig company!

As I said, normally I'd totally agree with you...normally I'd say any experience is worth having, cos as long as you're having them you're living...but not this time. I've never in my life felt so low I've wished I could just stop breathing :-(

But...but...luckily, the last time I saw him (last Tuesday) he behaved like such a jerk its helping me to realise I didn't really know him at all! After so short a time I could hardly expect to, but then I found I hadn't known my Ex after 15 years! So, maybe you never really know anyone, huh?

Happy Springtime to you too!

Savage...you are wise.

Believe me, while he was with me he was marvellous, more than anyone in a new relationship might be expected to be. But, I reckon it all became too much....

Then, when he left, he became an absolute jerk, telling me he loved me but pushing me away and ignoring me.

It half killed me the two months he took to decide whether or not to continue to see me...and so many times I thought there was hope. But last Tuesday those hopes were buried for good :-(

Yes, I did have the feeling he didn't want to get hurt so was getting out before he did, but, in the process he hurt us both...

And now...?

I know its time to let go. I know I should, but letting go something so special seems like sacriledge...

Besides which, I can't control my dreams :-S

Mimi? If you know a cure I'd love to be let into the secret...:-)

At May 04, 2009 1:44 pm, Blogger bulletholes said...

Yeah, well, its easy to say thats its "better to have loved and lost" when you aren't the one thats doing the losin'.
But I like what you say, about how the little problems just fade to insignificance when you are in love.
i miss that softening of the heart that takes place, even if you are not loved back. its been so long for me, and i've become all old and crochety, and so set in my ways that its hard to imagine anyone ever being able to get along with me!
Hi annelisa!

At May 04, 2009 1:48 pm, Blogger Akelamalu said...

I do know how you feel Annelisa. MWM and I met when I was 14 and he was 15. Some may say at 14 you don't know what love is but I certainly did - I felt exactly the same way you did about your man. MWM left me for someone else and it literally broke my heart - I was so ill. Just when I thought I was getting my head together and I could live without him he married the girl he'd left me for two years later and and I was back to square 1 it hurt so much. I got on with my life but the hurt and the love I felt for him never left me. Eight years after our split we met again - we were both free and here we are 37 years later here we are.

You never know my dear, what the future holds. xx

At May 05, 2009 7:02 am, Blogger Annelisa said...

Hey Bulletholes, I know what you mean about becoming old and crochety and set in your ways...I thought I was becoming like that myself...ten years it had been without a partner.

It was quite hard to let someone in and share my life with them, I was so used to doing everything myself, doing everything my way, but I found I started to adapt quite quickly, so don't imagine its not still possible, because it is!

Unfortunately, when we did it, I think we did it all too fast, didn't even do the dating bit (in fact, I've never done the dating bit!! :-( Would love to have done...), but I reckon if we had it would've been a nice slow adaption to each other. I also think he might not have burned out like he did, trying to be everything to everyone...

You're such a lovely guy, Steve, reckon someone should snap you up pretty soon!!

Oh, Akemalu, it does sound like you had it bad back then. Such a long time you suffered. Its like someone dying when they go like that, isn't it? So severed are you from their life, them no longer part of your life, but I find it so much harder to bear when its by choice...

But its lovely that you got back together so many years later. I don't have that hope (I don't suppose you did either). We're not likely to meet again. He actually lives on the other side of London, an hour and a half drive away, and we wouldn't have otherwise met if it hadn't been for chance. Unless one of us deliberately contacted the other it aint gonna happen. He's a stubborn person, so I reckon he's not going to do any contacting, and he's made it clear he doesn't want me to :-( So..that's it.

I had that where I couldn't eat at all. Now, I can eat but it makes me feel sick. Feels like someone stuck their hand into my tummy, grabbed hold of my guts and is twisting them and yanking them all over the place! Everyone says time heals, but still gotta live through this hell first...:-(

At May 09, 2009 9:39 pm, Blogger Mother of Invention said...

I'll write you more later but for now let me just say that you deserved abd still do deserve the real thing. I hope this whole experience hasn't jaded you or lead you to believe that you shouldn't take a chance on love again should it present itself to you. I wonder if we can even learn valuable lessons from hurtful experiences? Or that maybe there is always something good from the whole thing...the beautiful children? I am so sorry for your pain. I can't say that I can feel it but hurt for your suffering.

At May 10, 2009 6:12 am, Blogger Annelisa said...

I've definately learnt one thing, MOI, and that's to take things a lot more slowly, be a lot more careful who I let into my life! :-S

At May 11, 2009 8:24 pm, Anonymous red dirt mule said...

Hi girlfriend ...

it's been TOO long!
i know exactly how you feel, all too well. i have no words of wisdom. it's like having all the breath knocked out of you suddenly and trying to gasp for air.

i do wonder if we ever really get to know another. even more, i'm wondering if i've ever known myself? can i trust my own intuition anymore?

i love my photograph. a sun behind a cloud. oh, i DO hope the clouds will clear for us both.

rdm / aka rdg

ps. email me!

At May 12, 2009 10:04 pm, Blogger Annelisa said...

Hey RDM, so soooo good to see you!

I totally agree with you about the intuition thing. That's one thing I have started questioning...can I really trust my own judgement any more? I'm pretty sure I judged right when this man came along...so...what happened? What changed? Was it with me, or with him? Guess it was with him as I still feel the same....

At May 13, 2009 8:07 pm, Blogger TopChamp said...

I'm sorry you're sad.

At May 18, 2009 11:07 pm, Blogger Annelisa said...

Seems like first time I've really been in love, TC, and no relationship in the past touches it for the pain of it ending now... :-(


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